Four Notes from Day One of Sobriety
(Part of my series on sobriety, one day at a time).
- You’ll remember stuff.
I take walks, the one habit I can actually thank COVID for. It’s surprising to me that I haven’t been doing it for years. Unlike a lot of my high school classmates, I feel a lot of attachment to my small Colorado town, so much so that it’s the place where I would love to spend my whole life. Since December, I’ve walked the same trail a number of times, an isolated gravel path far from any roads, winding behind my old high school.
On day one of sobriety, I remember some of the houses I pass. One in particular sticks out: I went to a party there in high school. It was tiki-themed, and there was a bonfire. I wasn’t close friends with most of the people there, so I remember being nervous. This is a house I have passed without recognition no less than ten times since December, and yet on my first day of sobriety I remember a single evening there, twelve years ago.
This is just one example. I’ve noticed a lot of old memories trickle back in, like the names of old peers or days spent in old places. I feel like I’m reorienting myself to the life I’ve lived. I have to think some less pleasant memories will accompany the better ones, but I can say with confidence that regaining old memories is a huge benefit of day one.
2. It’ll be a little scary.
My first day coincides with one of Colorado’s early Spring weather days. It’s some of my favorite weather, so I’m surprised to find that I dread evening. When it’s nice outside like this, I’ll sit on the deck with a good book and put away a couple beers to unwind. Not only that, but it’s Sunday, so there’s no work to keep me from drinking at 2:00 or 3:00. I also don’t have any beer in the fridge, which means that if I get desperate enough I might resort to raid the liquor cabinet.
I’m afraid of what the night will bring. What if I miss out on enjoying the warm weather because I’m bummed at not having a drink? What if the the evening is eerie, empty, and quiet? These fears feel real all afternoon.
If you’re ahead of me, you’ll recognize that my fears above are an old and well-trodden pitfall in an alcoholic’s thinking: Alcohol becomes synonymous with fun, excitement, and interest. I’ve told myself for years that the drink makes me feel everything more deeply, so I’ve used it as a way to enhance every emotion from sadness to relaxation.
This supposition, that alcohol makes everything more, is just not true. It’s not true that before I drank, everything bored me. Neither is it true that I’m never bored while I’m drinking. Don’t be afraid like I was about how a lovely Sunday night will be lost without a drink. You might take the opposite approach if you’re nervous: Focus on what’s making the night great and, if you can, do something to make the night special. This is one of your first nights sober, and you should celebrate it.
3. You’ll be tempted.
There’s no getting around the temptation, and I imagine it will plague everyone making this journey every night for a long time.
I made a run to the local market to grab some food for dinner at around 3:00 and I caught myself thinking about how easy, and how harmless, it would be for me to grab a single tallboy from the liquor store next to the market. As per usual, my sober brain underestimates my drunk brain’s ability to locate more to drink after I polish off the first can.
Ignore the urge as best you can. It’s the unhealthy part of your brain doing this thinking, and it’s wrong. It wouldn’t be harmless to grab a single drink, and the need that accompanies it is completely illusory.
4. It might be hard to go to bed.
I actually got lucky on this front. I’ve been putting in long work hours for a couple of weeks and I’m tuckered out as a result. I fell asleep at the absurdly early (for me) hour of 11:00 on day one.
Be prepared though, that actually going to bed might be a bit of a trick, particularly if you use alcohol like I do. I take an allergy pill, and have for years, that makes people drowsy when it interacts with liquor, though that never stopped me from taking either drug. Most nights, I fall asleep when I get “tired,” which is to say, “whenever the alcohol knocks me out in my desk chair.” I’m not accustomed to going to sleep sober, so even though I was tired enough to sleep I was more awake than I’m accustomed to. It took me a long time to actually fall asleep, and even then I tossed and turned during the night.
And yet, this morning I felt better rested than I have in a long time. Stick with it, folks. I promise, alcohol might help you sleep, but it doesn’t help you sleep well.
Happiness and health to you all, and see you tomorrow,
~ UM
